The Regina Mills Operation
by Die Schreiberin
Summary: Granny needs an operation and Regina is the only one who can help. No, she's not, but Granny doesn't do scalpels. This is crack.


**The Regina Mills Operation**

Don't own OUAT, but the story idea is mine.

It's a universal truth that Widow Lucas is a tough old bird. Or is it wolf? No, it can't be wolf because she can't change any more. Although, if someone called her an old bird, she would probably take offense and shoot an arrow between your eyes…

(Author shakes head to clean the cobwebs for such a thought.)

Well, whatever Mrs. Lucas a.k.a. Granny is, is not the point. No, the point is that she could deal with lots of pain without complaint.

That was before she ended up in the modern world. Oh she had no complaints about the modern world. She loved the air conditioner. She loved the rich taste of coffee. She loved electricity. She loved having a diner and not worrying about going out into the woods to hunt down her next meal. So… she loved the new world because of it's benefits.

However…there was one problem with the new world that she had never had before… Acid Reflux, constant constipation, and the new ability to belch out Duran Duran's song, "Hungry Like the Wolf." For a talent show, she won first place with that ability. Nobody new she had it in her.

(Author takes pause to think about how to get the story on track.)

The question now is why? Why was she now suffering from all of these things in the new world? Well, the answer is simple… her diet which she didn't find out until she ended up going to the hospital. No, she didn't go voluntarily. Her granddaughter Ruby Red had enough of hearing her grandmother belching around the diner and the inn. Her super wolf hearing could not take it anymore. She had begged and pleaded, but Granny refused to go. Realizing that enough was enough Ruby Red clubbed her grandmother over the head with a frying pan and tied her up. Using her wolf like strength, the wolf girl hefted the over the normal weight grandmother on her shoulder and took her to see Dr. Whale.

It took an hour for the old nelly? Nope. The old gray mare? Nope, she's not what she used to be. The old faithful? Definitely not. That's a geyser and not a geezer. The old bitty? No, she's a rather giant of a lady.

(Auther gets smacked in the head with a purse.)

Fine. It took an hour for the lovely gentlewoman to wake up from being unconscious. It took another hour to get her to talk about her problem.

"Okay, Doc," she said as she nibbled on an end of a carrot.

(Author gets another smack on the head and then glares at attacker.

"I'm no rabbit," the feisty she creature said.

"I never said that you were," author exclaimed. "Now, let me get back to me story or else you won't get cured."

"Fine," she agreed as she nibbled on spoonful of rabbit stew.)

"Okay, Doc, I'll tell you what my problem is. My chest burns like it's on fire. I taste the acid bubbling out of my throat. And I can belch like Shrek. It's seriously is better out than in." She belches to prove a point. "I'm tired of belching and hurting. Plus, I'm only luck to go to the bathroom once a week. When I go it feels like I'm going into labor again."

Dr. Whale nodded his head as he wrote down everything on his clip board. "You know, you're not the only person her who has suffered from constipation. I've been getting quite a few people. It took me a while to figure out why people who were regular before are now having a hard time going…"

"And?"

"I found out that the foods of this world have the ability to bind people up, but no offense to your diner. It's just people are not eating the things that they should." He wrote up a prescription for some fiber pills and stool softeners. "Try these out for at least two weeks and tell you how you've been." He also included a prescription for some tums.

Granny reluctantly did everything the doc said. She had been going to the bathroom more. The tums worked okay, but it wasn't enough. She still suffered from a pain in her chest, right between her breasts. Plus, she kept on belching. Of course it did lesson, but it still grated on her poor granddaughter's nerves.

She took it up with Dr. Whale once more.

"Seriously, Doc, is there something you are missing?"

The poor doctor held up a finger for her to wait as he googled the symptoms. Eventually he found something and cringed. "I think you might have a hiatal hernia."

"A what now?"

"A hiatal hernia. It's when some of your stomach slips up into your rib cage. Most people just live with it, but there are times when it is pretty bad that an operation would be necessary."

Granny heard no more as she exited the hospital. There was no way she was going to get operated on. She needed to come up with a better way to get rid of her hernia without her having to have a knife cut into her and hands digging around for things they shouldn't.

Briskly, she walked back to the dinner and nearly ran into something. Well, it was someone. A someone, who she didn't want to see. Regina Mills. She was like a bad penny. _Dang the heart ripper._ Just as she finished her sentence a thought entered her mind.

She spun around and went after the woman. Grabbing the former mayor by the shoulders, she turned her around to face her, "Is there something I can do for you?"

Without any pleasantries, Granny asked, "You rip people's hearts out magically?"

"Yes," Regina agreed cautiously. "Your point being?"

"How does it work? You just stick your hand in and feel around until you have a heart in your hand?"

"Something like that."

"Can you take out someone kidney?"

"Probably, but seriously Widow Lucas, where are you going with this?"

Granny belched in the young woman's face, "You hear that. I'm tired of belching. I was told I can get it to stop with surgery, but I don't want that. Could you help me?"

Regina raised an eyebrow. No one had ever asked her to stick her hand in them. No, that's not true. Snow did once. Honestly, that was just too easy for Regina's liking. Getting out Granny's hold, the former mayor stood proud, "I believe I can. What exactly do you want me to do?"

"I need you to gently yank my stomach back down from my rib cage. See I have what the Doc calls a hiatal hernia which is making me belch and have my chest hurting. You think you can do that?"

Regina had to think for a moment, "Sure, but you have to be patient because I've never done anything like that people."

"It's all right. I trust you."

Regina was surprised at this, "You do?"

"Yeah, I'm too old for you to use me. Besides, I make an excellent babysitter for Henry."

Regina couldn't deny this.

It took fifteen to a half hour (time was not calculated) for the Granny-who-could-belch to become the Granny-who-could-kick-your-butt-again.

(Author smiles at a job well done before it is removed from her face by a pointy finger. "What?"

"That's it?"

"Like yeah?"

"That's lame." Granny walks away from the room.

"I found it highly entertaining," Author shouted before Granny completely leaves. Once alone author looks back at story. "She was right. This is lame."


End file.
